THE DANGER OF ZERO CORRUPTION

The continuous outcry against corruption is the past time of the envious. It is a shameless manifestation of the green eyed monster deep inside all of us. No one would readily admit to it and any psychologist would tell you for free that it’s easy to get people to open up about their hate, fears or anxieties – indeed the whole range of human emotions, but only a handful if any at all, would ever speak about the envy in their hearts. Of all possible human emotions, it’s by far the most inferior.

You know its envy when the last man who squealed non-stop about the evils of corruption settles into the same routine when he gets into some place comfortable. The truth is, cornering public funds or any excessively large sum of money for personal use, is nothing extraordinary. It is quite logical and follows a basic human evolutionary instinct; when you see a lot of something juicy that you really want, it’s just natural to take a bite or two out of it. It observes the pragmatic rule to always reach out for the low hanging fruits and save ourselves the trouble of climbing up a tall tree. You only become a truly mean soul when you stand in the way of your fellow man, depriving him from enjoying the same abundant bounty or perhaps you break and enter into the house of some peasant, making away with the little that he has. That would be utterly despicable and none of our much derided statesmen have ever been found in the middle of such ignominy.

Corruption or stealing if you like, is never a bad thing if done properly and fairly, guaranteeing everyone a chance to get a helping from the common purse, either directly or by proxy. Its impatience and envy that makes certain disgruntled elements – in a hurry to help themselves from the commonwealth and refusing to wait their turn–resort to wild orgies of protest at the sight of their fellow citizen enjoying his moment in the sun. With minimal disruptions to the system there is plenty of doctrine that suggests that there is enough to go round for everyone, provided they live long enough and remember to keep hope and faith alive.

It’s a waste of scarce resources to engage in a constant offensive against corruption. Though often blamed for all of our woes, corruption has never displayed aggression towards anyone, it is by no means a blameless lamb but it’s also not the original sin and it has in fact on many occasions worked in our favour. Corruption is after all the cornerstone of our economy–the biggest in Africa–it has served us all these years and it would be unfair to ditch it now. Besides it would be near impossible to find a worthy replacement, it is what we understand and have come to love.

Imagine the chaos that would be created from the vacuum, if our dear country were to exist without corruption to run and manage the system. It would be complete anarchy. Nothing has prepared us for the possible outcomes and many would struggle to understand the sudden downturn of their fortunes, for corruption as we know is the life blood of our economy and indeed the whole complex system of our nationhood.

While we may notice the all important role corruption plays in keeping our country as one big united amalgam, it’s all too easy to gloss over the not too obvious but no less important role it plays as an informal safety net through which income redistributed from the top to bottom, a near perfect “trickle down” effect. Most of the renegades who go on endlessly about the evils of corruption at the top, pretend not to know that a chunk of it goes back into the larger society through the good deeds and large heartedness of the very men who they seek to undermine.

The truth is a substantial number of the people involved in what is today known as corruption can be described as altruistically and selflessly corrupt. They embezzle and racketeer with the most noble of intentions. Through sheer hard work most of them are extremely well off and personally have no need for the money, such that left to them they wouldn’t bother to shift a kobo but they bear the great responsibility of making their time under the fruit tree beneficial to everyone of their family and associates. Many of them thereafter put the money to use, in all kinds of good deeds; from building houses for God almighty to making sure their supporters are never left behind in the global arms race.

Our dear country without corruption would be far from the utopia many imagine it would be. If anything it could be the catalyst to bring us very near the precipice of self destruction. Not many of us have taken the time to consider what our lives would be like without corruption, and when we do take the time to, it’s often an eye opener. Firstly it’s no news that we are Africa’s biggest economy, what many don’t know is it may not have been possible without the help of corruption.

Many of the future long term investments bets that have been placed on our country are made on the back of a solid corruption friendly climate. For instance our country is a unique kind of borrower and as a result our T-bills have some of the most fantastic returns anywhere on the planet. You don’t want to imagine what would happen to investor confidence and the stock market if some fool hardy fellow where to get hold of the reins of power tomorrow and embark on a sudden zero corruption crusade. The net effect on the financial market would be similar to the dreaded bank-run, as investors would be the first to give up the struggle to make sense of the new order.

Consider again the possible effect of zero corruption on our educational sector; it could spell the near absence of eligible candidates for admission into places of higher learning as the system for attaining the necessary requirements is oiled by an elaborate network of sharp practises. No one can give an accurate guess as to how empty our lecture rooms might be due to the shortfall in the number of students seeking admission. The multiplier effect of it all from that point is best left to imagination. In just two examples we have seen how important it is to make sure that things remain exactly the way they are.

Even if in the end we band together and decide to label corruption as the ultimate evil and we just had to get rid of it, let me suggest that the program designed to wean us of it, be carried out in phases. Like the average crack addict we can’t and we shouldn’t just go ‘cold turkey’ all in one day. The withdrawal symptoms would be hard to deal with and we would be faced with the potent risk of an untreatable relapse.

THE WAGES OF SIN IS GOVERNMENT

In the 19^th century two mad French men suffering from the anxieties brought about by a rapidly shrinking sphere of influence would separately go ahead to proclaim that;

“In every democracy the people get the government they deserve”—Alexis de Tocqueville

“Every country has the government it deserves”—Joseph de Maistre

The brusque sort of indolent philosophy behind both statements has plagued the practise of good reasoning all over the world. The good news however is that despite being such a wide spread affliction, it is a benign one. The simple recognition of it for what it is–an idle philosophy–would provide immediate relief for all who are afflicted. Now it shouldn’t really matter what experiences messrs Tocqueville and Maistre lived through, as there is no doubt that both of them were over indulged aristocrats and their mindset can be pretty much summed up from their words above, spoken in a classic fit of moronic epiphany.

However we should be guilty of similar indolence if we simply came to a conclusion about the two men from their often quoted phrases or chopped up sentences without taking a peep into their lives. Both men were elite members of the gentry which automatically made their lives worth chronicling. In addition they were both prolific writers and important philosophers of their day who have gifted us with their thoughts elegantly captured on paper, guaranteeing abundant resource from which to make an informed opinion about their person.

Monsieur Tocqueville, we may learn was a lover of democracy, hater of free speech, and strong advocate of racial segregation. In summary he was a largely inconsistent character who loved power and was willing to do anything to remain relevant. Monsieur Maistre on his part was a more sinister character, a block head aristocrat who completely rejected rational thinking and made no clumsy pretentions about loving democracy. He shamelessly maintained that the corrupt and contemptible French monarchy of the 18^th century was divinely inspired, even suggesting that the turmoil that followed the sacking of Louis XVI’s government was God’s punishment for the popular uprising.

Knowing the antecedents of both men it becomes more than a bit of a surprise how eagerly public commentators in these parts rush to quote any one of this two miscreants in the middle of a serious conversation about democracy or good governance. Just what is it about those words that seem to resonate so intensely with the average listener on face value? Clearly enough it prescribes that people stand up and take responsibility for their common situation but then it stays vague on some other account.

Does it suggest that God punishes transgressors with bad governments to scourge their backs with serpents and scorpions or maybe it just submits that a bad leader is but a representation of a bad citizenry? Surely it has got to mean one or the other or a combination of the two, and whichever it is, on closer inspection they can all be seen to be packed full with sinister notions and wicked undertones that easily give away the source and intent of such evil messages.

The narrative is one that portrays governments as helpless moppets caught in the crossfire of the wrangling between God and disobedient people. Pretty, vulnerable, and long-suffering, tossed left and right with no control of its own, an account that is definitely a complete about-turn from what obtains in reality. It procures the perfect alibi to insulate a class of vicious bandits from the load of responsibility that should typically follow any asset manager of a commonwealth.

Over the years these quotations of Tocqueville and Maistre have enjoyed currency with simple minded citizens, devious government apologists but especially with well meaning but exasperated revolutionists who can’t get their minds around why oppressed people may sometime appear to sit around like lame ducks scratching their anus and smelling their fingers, and not choose to light-it-like-Bouazizi, nevertheless however innocently or well intended those words are used, they often amount to unguarded utterances that serve to indulge the ruling class all over again.

While anyone may want to question the works of de Tocqueville and de Maistre, they do have to their credit a number of things going for them, which may easily explain why people everywhere have been so enamoured by their infantile rambling; exotic surnames and the instinctive reverence reserved for any European philosopher who lived and died before the invention of the telegraph or pipe borne water. Surely they have that in common with Aristotle and Plutarch and that’s distinguishing enough.

“In every country a leader a gets the people he deserves”—Viscount Mark de Babatunde 438 BC.

MY N.G.O, IS NOT YOUR NON PROFIT

In a bid to positively impact on my generation, I have decided to “open” an N.G.O in five easy steps. My N.G.O would be called youths for positive action (Y.P.A) or positive action youths (P.A.Y). I do prefer the latter though, it’s a much better combination and it provides me a fine acronym. By and large it would be a lot more convenient to introduce myself as the founder and president of P.A.Y foundation.

The acronym PAY would be inserted into the foundation’s motto “…We pay the future”. It’s a rather meaningless motto when you think of it, but it serves to create an identity which is what we need. WE NEED? Well by “we” I mean the motley crew of ten or so other young men and women, I would need to enlist alongside myself to make my N.G.O conventional and contemporary. Think of it. An N.G.O with just one founder/member? Who does that? That would seem downright dodgy, so I should be needing the extra fellows as my subordinates cum lieutenants.

To my understanding, most youth themed N.G.O.s’ are often the brainchild of two categories of people; the attention/thrill seeker and then of course your average hustler. Make no mistake about it; I am clearly in it for the money and the money alone. Now logically it follows that whatever proceeds are realized from the N.G.O venture would have to be shared between myself and my lieutenants. I would consider this grossly unfair, after all the N.G.O is solely and entirely my brainchild. But after much thought I realized that I could take care of this by painstakingly recruiting only attention seekers as my lieutenants or resource persons as I would like to call them. All of that should wrap up the crucial first step.

For step number two, I would need to invest something in the neighborhood of #250,000 in the project. This amount would go into creating the website PAY foundation.com (I could get a nice friend to do that for free), the printing of flyers, monogramming of T-shirts, face caps, banners and the all-important culmination in aimless and dainty street carnivals to draw the attention of other fickle minded youths to our activities.

So instead of being useful in our community in the good old traditional way; say by noiselessly helping the single mother next door with her laundry or assisting her children with their homework, I and my resource persons conserve our physical energy and save it for appearances on T.V shows, Preferably (N.T.A’s a.m. express) where we appear sporting our branded contraband T-shirts and school boy face caps. During the T.V interview we would make sure to suavely introduce ourselves with high sounding titles like; president, deputy president, general secretary, secretary general, and of course resource persons.

A typical T.V appearance promoting the activities of P.A.Y foundation would go like this;

Show host: what are the aims of P.A.Y foundation?

Me: basically we are providing a platform for youth re-orientation, positive lifestyle education and leadership training.

Please note that our every answer invariably begins with “basically”. Observation has taught me that when you achieve the double feat of owning your own N.G.O and appearing on breakfast television, basically is more than just another word. It becomes the prefix for every sentence. Look around to confirm this.

Show host: so how long has P.A.Y foundation been in existence?

Me: basically for about a year now. We have our headquarters in Lagos but we are about opening other chapters in Abuja, Port Harcourt and Kano and we shall be reaching other cities very soon.

As much as possible, I and my aides would try to answer all questions in a borrowed artificial accent, not forgetting to use catch phrases like youth empowerment, positive thinking, paradigm shift and of course leadership training. Our lame attempt at simulating a sleek image is necessary to attract the support and sponsorship of corporate bodies (hopefully one of those shylock telecom giants or any of those airlines that can’t keep its planes from falling out of the sky) so we can write at the bottom right corner of our flyers powered by so-so bank or X-X Corporation.

Just before we are eventually hurried out of the studio by the presenter acting on the cue of his/her producer about limited time, I would quickly wrap things up by adding “basically we are organizing an award night to recognize outstanding contributors to youth development”. Without a pause I finish by saying “we are giving the youths an opportunity to nominate their choice of candidate for the leadership awards. Viewers can please SMS their choice of candidate to this “number” from any network”. And then I finally hurry myself out of the harsh studio lights. I may or may not bother to alert the viewers that each text would cost them #100. The hidden charge would go into funding the dinner/award night. All of this is of course the third step.

All efforts would be put into making the award ceremony as impressive as possible but with care not to balloon the tight budget. The award night would also witness the launch of two books authored by me. With the titles; HOT PRINCIPLES OF LEADERSHIP and ADVANCED YOUTH LIFESTYLE SYNCHRONISM which are merely a “remix” of other books with similar titles or themes written by other authors. This sums up the fourth step.

I expect to pocket something in the neighborhood of #5million from all of these activities as it is only fitting for the recipients of my awards to present a token to the foundation to encourage a worthy cause.

If for any reason I fail to realize the expected returns, I will merely repeat steps 2-3 again the following year. I could even make the awards a biannual event. Moving its venue from state to state and city to city. When finally I hit my target and get “PAYed” for my troubles I will close down my N.G.O retire into quietness and open a deluxe unisex boutique. All five steps complete. In any case I never said I was running a non-profit I only claimed to be running a non-government organization.

BRETHREN, I HAVE COME TO TESTIFY

The art of testifying

Just in case you didn’t know before, testimonies’ in these parts, are chronicles of God’s divine intervention in the affairs of men, often shared in print or electronic media but mostly in front of a live audience in church. The best testimonies in church are compelling narratives and like a true orator, you have but a brief period to get your audience hooked. So the delivery is everything. In fact it should contain all the elements of a good script; an engaging plot, interesting characters, a denouement and even a cliff-hanger for maximum effect. Okay? Good.

Prologue

At least twice every year, thousands of Nigerian youths, most of them fresh graduates of higher education are herded into ranch styled closed camps, for a stretch of three weeks, across various locations around the country. The program is called the NYSC and while it stops short of a direct conscription, the NYSC is no less a draft and there are consequences for avoiding it. Nevertheless, a thriving cottage industry has grown overtime on the back of persons looking to avoid or at least influence regular NYSC postings

Scene 1

All eyes were on me as I took my turn to share my testimony. “Brethren” I began, “this year 2014 has indeed been my year of divine surprise just like our father in the lord declared”. The drums rolled, several people nodded and waved their hands in agreement, I cleared my throat noiselessly and went on to narrate my testimony proper.

I started with how the lord saw me through my university days and provided for me, (I knew to keep that part short since I had narrated it sometime before). I continued with how I was called up for the NYSC scheme and then the devil tried to steal my joy when it turned out I had been posted to a cheerless state, in a cheerless region for the programme.

Feeling miserable, I set out on the tedious journey to the dreary state  but before I did, I went on my knees, prayed, quoted from the scriptures and called upon my God to do something, after which my heart was at peace. Soon enough I was hit with a flood of miracles. Firstly at the end of the three weeks camping, I was miraculously redeployed to a delightful state over flowing with opportunities.

At the new state the miracles continued, as my initial horror at being packaged off to a rural village as a sufferhead subject teacher soon turned into gladness as I was again favoured with a divine posting to a choice federal government agency right in the middle of the state capital.

I then get down on my knees, wave my hands, praise the lord and bring my testimony to a climax with accompanying deafening applause and shouts of hallelujah from the church.

The making/behind the scenes

If you have read up to this point, I regard you as my ‘personal-person’, so come with me as I grant you a backstage unrestricted access into the making of “’my testimony”.

Okay here we go; remember that part where I said I was miraculously redeployed to a more favourable delicious state? It turns out I went to camp armed with a robust but hurriedly concocted doctor’s report to prove to the officials that I suffered from multiple life threatening condition. A follow up phone call from some nice neighbour who had the right contacts, wrapped things up nicely and I was on the next bus out of the hinterland.

Again remember that part where I was miraculously ‘elevated’ from classroom teacher to a place in a delicious government agency? Well, it was just another proof that money is still the greatest shaman we have today. I only had to cough out the sum of ten thousand naira to some nice official within the system and I got the chance to decide for myself, just exactly where I desired to be posted.

So there you have it, from fine print to bold print, all of the pesky little details of my testimony and the “wonderful miracles” that went into its production. I just thought to share with you. Thanks and goodbye. 

THE EVENT

EVENTFUL

I was sick, so sick in my body it encroached on my mind.

I was terminally ill and I was going to die (the death of the terminally ill) slow, painful and memorable–it would be a short one for me, and hopefully last just a little longer for my mourners. I was going to be a member of the dead at the age of 26. I had been alive for barely more than a quarter century. This should have been about enough time to fulfill the bulk of my bucket list, for in my soon to be ended life, I had wished only for two things: to live a “normal” life and to live long. I looked set to miss out on the latter but I had already missed out on the former. I had not lived a normal life, but worse than that, was the fact that I had lived my life trapped in the lower margins of normal.

In what appeared to be my last days, now and again I went over the details of my life. I had a good memory and it was easy to recollect most of it, which was generally boring, all the more so since I was habitually introspective and I had gone over whatever details it contained a million times in the past. So it was that pondering over my approaching death was clearly more interesting. I didn’t exactly look forward to my death (the termination of my existence) but the process of dying, right before my very eyes (in slow-motion) held out a new experience.

In effect I was going to be around to mourn my own death. That was one of the privileges of a slow and painful death. When people genuinely mourn the dead I assume it must be for one of the following reasons: they do it in regret of a life not well lived, a life cut short in its prime, or the eternal loss of an entity added to this was the knowledge that one of the mourners was next. I was going to mourn my existence which had been squandered on a hope for “tomorrow” with little left for the moment.

I awaited death and promised myself to be brave and strong, I was going to steel myself against any show of confusion, fear or weakness. I would die like a Spartan (an ideal I was very far from). In fact I hoped to be remembered for my show of strength on my death bed in my last days. It would probably be the only thing worth remembering about my time on earth.

I looked back with half regret that I didn’t in my life time ace my degree courses, that I didn’t speak my mind as clearly and often as I should have and I never once got into a fight. But it (the regret) was a good sign; it was perhaps the only indication that I maybe still had a will to live. But a will in this case did not have enough muscle to make a way. So I was going to die anyway. Behind all of these was the fact that my death may go un­­-mourned. Just as it should and I can explain.

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IF SILENCE IS GOLDEN...HOW MUCH GOLD DO WE HAVE HERE?

UBER MY SKIN

UBER MY SKIN